My amazing grandma.

Well, I did call my gma. I almost started crying on the phone with her but I managed to hold it in. I just dont get why she has to go through so much. What is she still holding on for? Sometimes I just want to come out and ask her. I have ideas but I want to hear it from her. I want to tell her shes crazy and that whatever reason she has isnt worth all the suffering she endures.
She might not be out of the hospital for thanksgiving. It just makes me sad for her. On holidays when shes there. I know shes surrounded my staff who love and care about her but its not the same as being with your family. I was looking forward to coming home and staying wed night with her so I could make the pies at her house and she could tell me how. I feel bad that she cant cook or bake anymore but at least if she were home she could tell me how to make the pies she normally makes and we could have that time back. I would always bake when I went to her house, which was all the time. Sometimes I worry that I wont remember how to make everything when shes gone. I still havent made cinnamon rolls, or bread, or perfected fudge. I have yet to know her sauce for cole slaw or how to even make it. I just miss how things used to be. My grandma is not the typical grandma and I love that. Shes the one I gossip with and watch movies with. Our favs are Coyote Ugly and Bad Boys. She loves anything Will Smith. Shes the one that tells inappropriate jokes and the one I can tell anything too. I often tell her more than I tell my mom. Shes the one thats proud of me for things not worthy of being proud of. Shes the one that encourages me and get excited for the things in my life. Shes the one that takes interest in everything I am. She may not have any clue what im talking about but she listens and askes questions like she does. She just all around supports me. Its hard to know she wont see my college graduation, my first job, teach me how to be a mother, be a great grandma, and everything else. Shes suppose to walk me through motherhood, and approve my husband. Hopefully not in that order lol. Shes suppose to just teach me all the things I dont know about life yet. Shes suppose to be my support. Every holiday I hear that it could be her last. Not from her but my mom. I thought last year was the last thanksgiving and then this year came. I thought last year was the last x-mas but another is approaching. This x-mas scares me. A lot of deaths in my family tends to happen around then. Ok im done with this and thinking about all these things. More memories to come.

I dread the day she passes.
I cant live without her.